Discovery

I've discovered something of myself yesterday with Antonio. Besides the day was about my friends who I rarely see these days. In the city of Santa Monica, my boyfriend and I had an altercation with insults. I had a raspy voice due to sickness, and Antonio was making fun of my voice. It became somewhat his way of getting back at me when I insulted his brothers, predicting that they might grow up to be gay. It was a perfect night that day, and he did something that ticked me off. We started walking but not side-by-side, down a gloomy parking lot where lights shine only the gloomiest eyes. We were headed to my dad's work, which was under the industrial section of Santa Monica. I've noticed that when I was walking, Antonio was nowhere to be seen. Walking down the street, I'd remember what I did that made him feel bad. I somewhat became a hypocrite when I told him to stop. I picked up my phone, dialed his number. He answered, told him where he was:

"I'm going to bus it!", he replied.
"Tony, please...I'm sorry. Please come back. Please, please, please..."
"No, no, it's okay!"
"Please Tony!....I'm sorry". I started sobbing.
"Please"

Out on the distance, I saw Antonio approaching, illuminated by approaching cars shining their headlights.
I pulled my head down, wiping the tears in my eyes. I lost myself with emotion.

"Ivan, are you okay?!"
He grabbed me, held me in his arms as I cried on his shoulder.

"Oh Ivan, I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I don't understand why I'm like this. This is not who I am!"
"I know your not"
"Please don't cry. I hate to see you like this".

As we remained silent, cars kept coming by. We hold each other, letting go of the sorrow that we put ourselves into.

I looked at his face, his expression of sadness appeared in his face. Wiping the tears of my eyes, I knew that this altercation hurts the both of us. We both knew that this could end our relationship if we don't stop insulting each other.

"I want this to stop. I don't want this anymore, Tony!".
"I don't want to be like my dad..."
"I know you don't.
"I don't want to be like this"
"I don't want to be like this either..."

We need to move on walking as we almost approach my dad's work. He told me something that really hurt me inside.

"When my dad was about to leave, he told me ' You need to watch out for Jonathan (his brother) because he's going to be gay'".
"Really?!!..." I broke into tears. "I'm sorry!!"
"No Ivan, don't be sorry. You didn't know that. I should have told you before."
"Oh Tony, I'm sorry!"

I've soon realized how much of a "monster" I become, especially to the person I love. We told each other that we would never do this again. He warned me that the next time he does this, I would inform him. This relationship shouldn't end now, and we talked about this when we were waiting in my dad's van while he was finishing work. I've soon realized something about myself, and I became something that I knew for sure that I'm not. Antonio felt the same way too, and we are doing something together to help ourselves from happening again...

Antonio, I'm sorry and I will always love you forever.

Thank you.

Hurricane[5]

Reinnovation

So its been days since I've done a new blog. One reason was that my entire room was being painted and all my stuff pretty much covered in dust. It took us two days to get everything straighten out and we were able to move the bed and also the desk with my computer along.

So my sister's birthday party is this Saturday. It's going to be huge and my parents have been planning it for the last few weeks. What I know so far is that we are going to have food catered by El Pollo Loco. Which means that we are going to have a ton of rice, a ton of beans, a ton of chicken. So, I'm going to prepare and dive in with all the food. Expect me to become large and in charge. Well, it's also a great opportunity for my boyfriend to come along and join the fun. However, he has work that day, and I feel really sad that he might not be going to the party. We hardly have any parties where I can invite my friends over, and this is one of those parties that I could use the time for. I'm going to invite my cool friends, some of them might work, others are probably bored as hell and have nothing to do. I think Eduardo might know, just kidding. There is some speculation that we might have a jumper to make the party more superior. I'm thinking we are going for the classic Barney jumper that one of my uncles still have. That Barney balloon has gone over so much abuse during my youth. You can tell it's been in so many abuse because of all the tape coverings and excessive air it releases. Also, the machine that came with it is all dysfunctional, and it would spontaneously shut off. It would make everyone run quickly to the front, steping on people, crawling like ants running away from water. I find it funny and accelerating, but also very dangerous as well. It's great when it's both dangerous and funny at the same time. Kind of like a Jackass stunt, but completely random and unplanned.

So I might be getting my paycheck on Thursday. It's probably won't be a lot of money that I would receive, but it's going to cover everything that I need to owe back. For example, I need to pay back for the EZ bus pass, food for myself, late fees from the library for those Smashing Pumpkins singles, and I need to buy a gift. That's pretty much it...

Hurricane[5]