Why I keep being inactive with this blog, I have no idea. I just need to get my facts straight so I can at least make myself feel sane, but the same time express my deepest anger just on how life is. Man, does life suck.
Working at a pet store is so hectic. I'm amazed how many people come to this store all at the same time as if there is nothing to do around LA. The store is located in Santa Monica, and it's amazing how many wealthy people a lot of dogs. You got your Welsh Corgi's and your Mastiff's. Let's not forget those Great Danes which are frighteningly scary. I'm approached by a bunch of animal lovers who are sometimes nice but can also become downright assholes. Some have the nerve to come up to the cashier and demand a discount on the spot. It's sad, and I hope they don't act like that when they head to a different store. Santa Monica is always full of stubborn, impatient, rude and stupid people. Most of the people there are like sheep who live the same life by eating everything organic and also are very superstitious about the environment. They bitch about plastic bags and most of them never want one even though they struggle to grab every single item bundled up in one arm. Heck, citizens are complaining about an area at a local park used for yoga and Pilate's. Wow, let's not forget that we have troops getting killed in Iraq.
I know it's tough times right now, but can we act like we used to before all the economy when down the toilet. Damn bankers and their greedy schemes.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Busy Week
Pretty busy this week with three major assignments due on a Wednesday. That same Wednesday where I can see my baby. So far, I'm already stressed out and desperate. I pretty much don't have the time to play any video games this entire week. So...I'm pretty much out of it completely.
Just remembered that I have an essay to write right now. I'm half way done with it, but I'm just writing paragraph after paragraph of horrific nonsense. I'm predicting that my teacher might say the same thing himself. It doesn't matter, since I'm going to turn it in and get some actual credit out of this.
This whole ENGR 101 class is haunting the hell out of me. Now that I dodged the horrific assignment of an individual term paper, I need to do a presentation with a group I was assigned to early on in the semester. The only problem is that I hardly showed up in this class. People practically forgot I was in this class, never to hear from me again. A random e-mail was in my inbox on a Saturday night, as I began to read it carefully. This e-mail was talking about assigning group members through different task to compose a technical paper that is due weeks from now. Just two paragraphs to complete the paper and I am complete. Now all I need is to comfront a class that I haven't seen in a long time, which is really embarassing. Maybe tomorrow, people that I know will be asking me questions about my absence. All I have to say is that class is nothing but pure nonsense.
- Ivan
Just remembered that I have an essay to write right now. I'm half way done with it, but I'm just writing paragraph after paragraph of horrific nonsense. I'm predicting that my teacher might say the same thing himself. It doesn't matter, since I'm going to turn it in and get some actual credit out of this.
This whole ENGR 101 class is haunting the hell out of me. Now that I dodged the horrific assignment of an individual term paper, I need to do a presentation with a group I was assigned to early on in the semester. The only problem is that I hardly showed up in this class. People practically forgot I was in this class, never to hear from me again. A random e-mail was in my inbox on a Saturday night, as I began to read it carefully. This e-mail was talking about assigning group members through different task to compose a technical paper that is due weeks from now. Just two paragraphs to complete the paper and I am complete. Now all I need is to comfront a class that I haven't seen in a long time, which is really embarassing. Maybe tomorrow, people that I know will be asking me questions about my absence. All I have to say is that class is nothing but pure nonsense.
- Ivan
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I'm not doing it...
No, I refuse not to. It is a crime to not do a technical paper. Maybe it was a bad mistake to enroll in this ENGR 101 class, and not even show up for class every Wednesday. I did care for a few weeks, but what's the point of coming if I have missed half of all the lectures that they've gone over in the class. Tomorrow is the deadline to a technical paper, which was assigned way long ago. I did procrastinate, and also had the Spring Break loneliness without the friends.
What's the point? My EOP counselor is hoping I am doing well in this class. I am not sure this is a required class to pass, but apparently I have to complete it. It's a weird feeling I have right now, because it took me awhile to realize about how horrible I am doing in this class. Next week, I have to speak with the person in charge of the ENGR 101 class, and I have to tell her I never show up. Somehow, I hope they won't treat me like a stupid little kid who doesn't know better. Well, I am a college student who is entitled to rights. If they are giving me advice, at least give me the freedom to make myself comfortable. I added this class with no intention to enroll in it, but this was suggested by a last-minute e-mail in my inbox.
- Ivan
What's the point? My EOP counselor is hoping I am doing well in this class. I am not sure this is a required class to pass, but apparently I have to complete it. It's a weird feeling I have right now, because it took me awhile to realize about how horrible I am doing in this class. Next week, I have to speak with the person in charge of the ENGR 101 class, and I have to tell her I never show up. Somehow, I hope they won't treat me like a stupid little kid who doesn't know better. Well, I am a college student who is entitled to rights. If they are giving me advice, at least give me the freedom to make myself comfortable. I added this class with no intention to enroll in it, but this was suggested by a last-minute e-mail in my inbox.
- Ivan
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Home Listening vs. iPod
Well...Nine Inch Nails is coming out with a new album called Year Zero, and I am thinking whether or not I should buy it. My birthday is like next weekend, which means Tony might buy me the CD as well as himself. I don't know. . . I shouldn't be making predictions on the future. I don't know. . . I was previewing the album and all the songs seem to sound the same. I said the same thing when Stadium Arcadium came out and I bought the album. So far I don't listen to it anymore because I consider it "KROQ-status", which is bad. It may sound ironic but sometimes I want my favorite to be played on KROQ, but also have that sense that my favorite bands might end up "KROQ-status". KROQ is just full of emo crap. That radio stations went down the drain after I graduated High School, but I sure did love listening to Kevin and Bean.
I don't know. . . I feel like the jealousy side is coming back to me. I don't have money, nor a job. All I have to depend on is my mom's money. It's pretty much money for food, where I spend so much on a meal that will make me full for about a few hours.
My taste of music is starting to wear off. I am completely bored of my music, because I obviously listen to the same shit everyday. It's nothing but The Mars Volta, then we go Modest Mouse, and more Rush. Wait. . . let's not forget the Smashing Pumpkins. Yeah, this goes really well with where I am. I am sick of it. Somehow the iPod has destroyed my taste of music. I have a long list of artist's already synced into my iPod, but I manage to listen only about 4-6 artists. Yeah. . . it's horrible. Sometimes I get desperate and just select "Shuffle Songs". Coincidently, it's always the songs that I always hear first everytime I "shuffle" my songs.
iPods are alright. But. . .it does ruined the feeling of going home and playing your favorite music on your favorite vinyl record player, your favorite CD player, or just your damn G-d forsaken computer. Before I had an iPod, I would get home, load up Windows Media Player, and just listen to my music in full blast. The quality was breathtaking. I had these satellite speakers and a sub woofer that totally rocked me and my room.
Now that I have the iPod, my "home listening days" were over. The problem I have with listening to music while out on the streets is that I focus more on the outside world than the music that is blasting in my ear. I lose track of the songs and I end up confused in the end. Well, it's fucking South Central. There's nothing but people out on the streets to get you. It's not a safe place since "kill" and "steal" is in everyone's vocabulary in South Central. I even got cited, and I don't even dress like a cholo. I am not even a cholo at all.
I'm just saying. . .
- Ivan
I don't know. . . I feel like the jealousy side is coming back to me. I don't have money, nor a job. All I have to depend on is my mom's money. It's pretty much money for food, where I spend so much on a meal that will make me full for about a few hours.
My taste of music is starting to wear off. I am completely bored of my music, because I obviously listen to the same shit everyday. It's nothing but The Mars Volta, then we go Modest Mouse, and more Rush. Wait. . . let's not forget the Smashing Pumpkins. Yeah, this goes really well with where I am. I am sick of it. Somehow the iPod has destroyed my taste of music. I have a long list of artist's already synced into my iPod, but I manage to listen only about 4-6 artists. Yeah. . . it's horrible. Sometimes I get desperate and just select "Shuffle Songs". Coincidently, it's always the songs that I always hear first everytime I "shuffle" my songs.
iPods are alright. But. . .it does ruined the feeling of going home and playing your favorite music on your favorite vinyl record player, your favorite CD player, or just your damn G-d forsaken computer. Before I had an iPod, I would get home, load up Windows Media Player, and just listen to my music in full blast. The quality was breathtaking. I had these satellite speakers and a sub woofer that totally rocked me and my room.
Now that I have the iPod, my "home listening days" were over. The problem I have with listening to music while out on the streets is that I focus more on the outside world than the music that is blasting in my ear. I lose track of the songs and I end up confused in the end. Well, it's fucking South Central. There's nothing but people out on the streets to get you. It's not a safe place since "kill" and "steal" is in everyone's vocabulary in South Central. I even got cited, and I don't even dress like a cholo. I am not even a cholo at all.
I'm just saying. . .
- Ivan
Relax
I guess I did overreact. I mean, it's just a concert for some band that I don't even like. But...I miss out so much memories with my baby. I need to stop acting like this all the time because I'm never going to get everything I want in this life. Sometimes I tend to take advantage of the good life, but sometimes I harm other people's feelings in the process. I feel like a little kid that begs for everything and always pout, complain, and blames it on everyone. I have to stop...
I really hurt someone tonight. Someone that I love. He didn't do anything, but I went overboard today that made him felt really bad. I made him felt like the bad guy in this situation. Why did I act so stupid like that? Why do I always have to complain about everything? Why can't I just stop blaming on everyone, expecting a perfect resolution out of this?
I sometimes feel like I need to grow up and face reality. All these advantages in my life (Driving a car, getting a job, etc.) are passing me by like they don't seem important to me. I still feel like a kid trapped in a grown-ups body. I am so immature about things and people have trouble reasoning with me. I feel like the 9-year-old Ivan talking in my head, telling me how to feel and talk. Sometimes I wish I can just grab it and kill it.
Why?...something wrong with me. I always have too much expectations from everyone. I need to stop acting so stupid. This is not me. This is not me.
I guess I'm just jealous over people. The looks, the time they have, the money that they earn, the amount of friends, the time to be with friends, a perfect job, people's fitness, musical taste. I am not a perfect person, and I always hate myself for that. I've been hating myself this whole time that food was my getaway to pain. The food I ate was good, and that goodness is what is missing in my life. All that "goodness" is making me fat, and making me more miserable then I'm already am. I used to be a really thin child growing up. Once school progressed, the size of my waist and stomach grew too. I was to the point where I had a enormous stomach and had a case of an ulcer. It was a terrible ordeal, and I still remain the same for years in my life. I never realized how it feels to be thin. Something is missing in my life, the "goodness" in my life. What could go wrong? The "goodness" is my relationship with Antonio Rodriguez, being open to my brothers about me being gay, having a good relationship with my brothers, reconciling with my dad, and helping my mom understand about myself. However, it isn't always as good as I thought.
I just need sometime to think...I need to stop hating myself. I need help...
- Ivan.
I really hurt someone tonight. Someone that I love. He didn't do anything, but I went overboard today that made him felt really bad. I made him felt like the bad guy in this situation. Why did I act so stupid like that? Why do I always have to complain about everything? Why can't I just stop blaming on everyone, expecting a perfect resolution out of this?
I sometimes feel like I need to grow up and face reality. All these advantages in my life (Driving a car, getting a job, etc.) are passing me by like they don't seem important to me. I still feel like a kid trapped in a grown-ups body. I am so immature about things and people have trouble reasoning with me. I feel like the 9-year-old Ivan talking in my head, telling me how to feel and talk. Sometimes I wish I can just grab it and kill it.
Why?...something wrong with me. I always have too much expectations from everyone. I need to stop acting so stupid. This is not me. This is not me.
I guess I'm just jealous over people. The looks, the time they have, the money that they earn, the amount of friends, the time to be with friends, a perfect job, people's fitness, musical taste. I am not a perfect person, and I always hate myself for that. I've been hating myself this whole time that food was my getaway to pain. The food I ate was good, and that goodness is what is missing in my life. All that "goodness" is making me fat, and making me more miserable then I'm already am. I used to be a really thin child growing up. Once school progressed, the size of my waist and stomach grew too. I was to the point where I had a enormous stomach and had a case of an ulcer. It was a terrible ordeal, and I still remain the same for years in my life. I never realized how it feels to be thin. Something is missing in my life, the "goodness" in my life. What could go wrong? The "goodness" is my relationship with Antonio Rodriguez, being open to my brothers about me being gay, having a good relationship with my brothers, reconciling with my dad, and helping my mom understand about myself. However, it isn't always as good as I thought.
I just need sometime to think...I need to stop hating myself. I need help...
- Ivan.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
They are getting close...
We knew this day would come. Our relationship is beginning to unfold to everyone. What is now a secret is now going to be revealed to the world. This could be the biggest thing in our relationship to happen. My mother is on my trail, my father concerned. Tony's mother is comfortable with me, but she doesn't know about our little "secret". Hopefully, her outcome would be rewarding. I hope that she can be happy for both of us. It can greatly aid us on our journey to get married.
Best of luck for both of us.
- Hurricane[5]
Best of luck for both of us.
- Hurricane[5]
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The Good Things In Life
I have some good stuff to share today. One, I have a new laptop. Really great laptop to play games and also enough power to multi-task and other fun stuff. Somehow, I felt like I belonged in the whole Starbucks Java Internet era for some strange reason. So, this whole entire week I am in Spring Break. I have completely nothing to do. I can play all day and not care for the world, but there some things outside from the roof that I need to do. I feel like being with my love. Somehow, I've wasted days not seeing him. He has school this entire week, so I am trying to find the gaps to have time with him. Man, I hate these kind of situation.
We been thinking of taking photos on the photo booth. Something every couple might have done during their relationships. Antonio often complains that he doesn't have a picture of me to remember me by. I have one of him in my wallet, and I often stare and kiss it just like it if was him in person. Tomorrow, Antonio and I are going to Universal City to use those expensive photo booths in order to finally get some set of pictures. Now these wouldn't be uploaded on the Internet, because it's a damn secret to our loved ones. But, something that we both can share internally.
I'm pretty bored right now. Right now, I'm watching Crash for like the 6th time in my entire life. Really powerful movie, I often joke around with lines from that movie. People would automatically recognize the lines at an instant. I would just laugh and be silly. Expect me to be posting some more blogs as interesting things in my life will happen later on. I think we might post alot especially about tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get up really early to see my baby. Please let my laziness go away, just this day...
-Hurricane[5]
We been thinking of taking photos on the photo booth. Something every couple might have done during their relationships. Antonio often complains that he doesn't have a picture of me to remember me by. I have one of him in my wallet, and I often stare and kiss it just like it if was him in person. Tomorrow, Antonio and I are going to Universal City to use those expensive photo booths in order to finally get some set of pictures. Now these wouldn't be uploaded on the Internet, because it's a damn secret to our loved ones. But, something that we both can share internally.
I'm pretty bored right now. Right now, I'm watching Crash for like the 6th time in my entire life. Really powerful movie, I often joke around with lines from that movie. People would automatically recognize the lines at an instant. I would just laugh and be silly. Expect me to be posting some more blogs as interesting things in my life will happen later on. I think we might post alot especially about tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get up really early to see my baby. Please let my laziness go away, just this day...
-Hurricane[5]
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Discovery
I've discovered something of myself yesterday with Antonio. Besides the day was about my friends who I rarely see these days. In the city of Santa Monica, my boyfriend and I had an altercation with insults. I had a raspy voice due to sickness, and Antonio was making fun of my voice. It became somewhat his way of getting back at me when I insulted his brothers, predicting that they might grow up to be gay. It was a perfect night that day, and he did something that ticked me off. We started walking but not side-by-side, down a gloomy parking lot where lights shine only the gloomiest eyes. We were headed to my dad's work, which was under the industrial section of Santa Monica. I've noticed that when I was walking, Antonio was nowhere to be seen. Walking down the street, I'd remember what I did that made him feel bad. I somewhat became a hypocrite when I told him to stop. I picked up my phone, dialed his number. He answered, told him where he was:
"I'm going to bus it!", he replied.
"Tony, please...I'm sorry. Please come back. Please, please, please..."
"No, no, it's okay!"
"Please Tony!....I'm sorry". I started sobbing.
"Please"
Out on the distance, I saw Antonio approaching, illuminated by approaching cars shining their headlights.
I pulled my head down, wiping the tears in my eyes. I lost myself with emotion.
"Ivan, are you okay?!"
He grabbed me, held me in his arms as I cried on his shoulder.
"Oh Ivan, I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I don't understand why I'm like this. This is not who I am!"
"I know your not"
"Please don't cry. I hate to see you like this".
As we remained silent, cars kept coming by. We hold each other, letting go of the sorrow that we put ourselves into.
I looked at his face, his expression of sadness appeared in his face. Wiping the tears of my eyes, I knew that this altercation hurts the both of us. We both knew that this could end our relationship if we don't stop insulting each other.
"I want this to stop. I don't want this anymore, Tony!".
"I don't want to be like my dad..."
"I know you don't.
"I don't want to be like this"
"I don't want to be like this either..."
We need to move on walking as we almost approach my dad's work. He told me something that really hurt me inside.
"When my dad was about to leave, he told me ' You need to watch out for Jonathan (his brother) because he's going to be gay'".
"Really?!!..." I broke into tears. "I'm sorry!!"
"No Ivan, don't be sorry. You didn't know that. I should have told you before."
"Oh Tony, I'm sorry!"
I've soon realized how much of a "monster" I become, especially to the person I love. We told each other that we would never do this again. He warned me that the next time he does this, I would inform him. This relationship shouldn't end now, and we talked about this when we were waiting in my dad's van while he was finishing work. I've soon realized something about myself, and I became something that I knew for sure that I'm not. Antonio felt the same way too, and we are doing something together to help ourselves from happening again...
Antonio, I'm sorry and I will always love you forever.
Thank you.
Hurricane[5]
"I'm going to bus it!", he replied.
"Tony, please...I'm sorry. Please come back. Please, please, please..."
"No, no, it's okay!"
"Please Tony!....I'm sorry". I started sobbing.
"Please"
Out on the distance, I saw Antonio approaching, illuminated by approaching cars shining their headlights.
I pulled my head down, wiping the tears in my eyes. I lost myself with emotion.
"Ivan, are you okay?!"
He grabbed me, held me in his arms as I cried on his shoulder.
"Oh Ivan, I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I don't understand why I'm like this. This is not who I am!"
"I know your not"
"Please don't cry. I hate to see you like this".
As we remained silent, cars kept coming by. We hold each other, letting go of the sorrow that we put ourselves into.
I looked at his face, his expression of sadness appeared in his face. Wiping the tears of my eyes, I knew that this altercation hurts the both of us. We both knew that this could end our relationship if we don't stop insulting each other.
"I want this to stop. I don't want this anymore, Tony!".
"I don't want to be like my dad..."
"I know you don't.
"I don't want to be like this"
"I don't want to be like this either..."
We need to move on walking as we almost approach my dad's work. He told me something that really hurt me inside.
"When my dad was about to leave, he told me ' You need to watch out for Jonathan (his brother) because he's going to be gay'".
"Really?!!..." I broke into tears. "I'm sorry!!"
"No Ivan, don't be sorry. You didn't know that. I should have told you before."
"Oh Tony, I'm sorry!"
I've soon realized how much of a "monster" I become, especially to the person I love. We told each other that we would never do this again. He warned me that the next time he does this, I would inform him. This relationship shouldn't end now, and we talked about this when we were waiting in my dad's van while he was finishing work. I've soon realized something about myself, and I became something that I knew for sure that I'm not. Antonio felt the same way too, and we are doing something together to help ourselves from happening again...
Antonio, I'm sorry and I will always love you forever.
Thank you.
Hurricane[5]
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