Busy Week

Pretty busy this week with three major assignments due on a Wednesday. That same Wednesday where I can see my baby. So far, I'm already stressed out and desperate. I pretty much don't have the time to play any video games this entire week. So...I'm pretty much out of it completely.

Just remembered that I have an essay to write right now. I'm half way done with it, but I'm just writing paragraph after paragraph of horrific nonsense. I'm predicting that my teacher might say the same thing himself. It doesn't matter, since I'm going to turn it in and get some actual credit out of this.

This whole ENGR 101 class is haunting the hell out of me. Now that I dodged the horrific assignment of an individual term paper, I need to do a presentation with a group I was assigned to early on in the semester. The only problem is that I hardly showed up in this class. People practically forgot I was in this class, never to hear from me again. A random e-mail was in my inbox on a Saturday night, as I began to read it carefully. This e-mail was talking about assigning group members through different task to compose a technical paper that is due weeks from now. Just two paragraphs to complete the paper and I am complete. Now all I need is to comfront a class that I haven't seen in a long time, which is really embarassing. Maybe tomorrow, people that I know will be asking me questions about my absence. All I have to say is that class is nothing but pure nonsense.

- Ivan

I'm not doing it...

No, I refuse not to. It is a crime to not do a technical paper. Maybe it was a bad mistake to enroll in this ENGR 101 class, and not even show up for class every Wednesday. I did care for a few weeks, but what's the point of coming if I have missed half of all the lectures that they've gone over in the class. Tomorrow is the deadline to a technical paper, which was assigned way long ago. I did procrastinate, and also had the Spring Break loneliness without the friends.

What's the point? My EOP counselor is hoping I am doing well in this class. I am not sure this is a required class to pass, but apparently I have to complete it. It's a weird feeling I have right now, because it took me awhile to realize about how horrible I am doing in this class. Next week, I have to speak with the person in charge of the ENGR 101 class, and I have to tell her I never show up. Somehow, I hope they won't treat me like a stupid little kid who doesn't know better. Well, I am a college student who is entitled to rights. If they are giving me advice, at least give me the freedom to make myself comfortable. I added this class with no intention to enroll in it, but this was suggested by a last-minute e-mail in my inbox.

- Ivan

Okay...

There's that LGBT Diversity week thing going on right now. Why am I not participating?

Home Listening vs. iPod

Well...Nine Inch Nails is coming out with a new album called Year Zero, and I am thinking whether or not I should buy it. My birthday is like next weekend, which means Tony might buy me the CD as well as himself. I don't know. . . I shouldn't be making predictions on the future. I don't know. . . I was previewing the album and all the songs seem to sound the same. I said the same thing when Stadium Arcadium came out and I bought the album. So far I don't listen to it anymore because I consider it "KROQ-status", which is bad. It may sound ironic but sometimes I want my favorite to be played on KROQ, but also have that sense that my favorite bands might end up "KROQ-status". KROQ is just full of emo crap. That radio stations went down the drain after I graduated High School, but I sure did love listening to Kevin and Bean.

I don't know. . . I feel like the jealousy side is coming back to me. I don't have money, nor a job. All I have to depend on is my mom's money. It's pretty much money for food, where I spend so much on a meal that will make me full for about a few hours.

My taste of music is starting to wear off. I am completely bored of my music, because I obviously listen to the same shit everyday. It's nothing but The Mars Volta, then we go Modest Mouse, and more Rush. Wait. . . let's not forget the Smashing Pumpkins. Yeah, this goes really well with where I am. I am sick of it. Somehow the iPod has destroyed my taste of music. I have a long list of artist's already synced into my iPod, but I manage to listen only about 4-6 artists. Yeah. . . it's horrible. Sometimes I get desperate and just select "Shuffle Songs". Coincidently, it's always the songs that I always hear first everytime I "shuffle" my songs.

iPods are alright. But. . .it does ruined the feeling of going home and playing your favorite music on your favorite vinyl record player, your favorite CD player, or just your damn G-d forsaken computer. Before I had an iPod, I would get home, load up Windows Media Player, and just listen to my music in full blast. The quality was breathtaking. I had these satellite speakers and a sub woofer that totally rocked me and my room.

Now that I have the iPod, my "home listening days" were over. The problem I have with listening to music while out on the streets is that I focus more on the outside world than the music that is blasting in my ear. I lose track of the songs and I end up confused in the end. Well, it's fucking South Central. There's nothing but people out on the streets to get you. It's not a safe place since "kill" and "steal" is in everyone's vocabulary in South Central. I even got cited, and I don't even dress like a cholo. I am not even a cholo at all.

I'm just saying. . .

- Ivan

Relax

I guess I did overreact. I mean, it's just a concert for some band that I don't even like. But...I miss out so much memories with my baby. I need to stop acting like this all the time because I'm never going to get everything I want in this life. Sometimes I tend to take advantage of the good life, but sometimes I harm other people's feelings in the process. I feel like a little kid that begs for everything and always pout, complain, and blames it on everyone. I have to stop...

I really hurt someone tonight. Someone that I love. He didn't do anything, but I went overboard today that made him felt really bad. I made him felt like the bad guy in this situation. Why did I act so stupid like that? Why do I always have to complain about everything? Why can't I just stop blaming on everyone, expecting a perfect resolution out of this?

I sometimes feel like I need to grow up and face reality. All these advantages in my life (Driving a car, getting a job, etc.) are passing me by like they don't seem important to me. I still feel like a kid trapped in a grown-ups body. I am so immature about things and people have trouble reasoning with me. I feel like the 9-year-old Ivan talking in my head, telling me how to feel and talk. Sometimes I wish I can just grab it and kill it.

Why?...something wrong with me. I always have too much expectations from everyone. I need to stop acting so stupid. This is not me. This is not me.

I guess I'm just jealous over people. The looks, the time they have, the money that they earn, the amount of friends, the time to be with friends, a perfect job, people's fitness, musical taste. I am not a perfect person, and I always hate myself for that. I've been hating myself this whole time that food was my getaway to pain. The food I ate was good, and that goodness is what is missing in my life. All that "goodness" is making me fat, and making me more miserable then I'm already am. I used to be a really thin child growing up. Once school progressed, the size of my waist and stomach grew too. I was to the point where I had a enormous stomach and had a case of an ulcer. It was a terrible ordeal, and I still remain the same for years in my life. I never realized how it feels to be thin. Something is missing in my life, the "goodness" in my life. What could go wrong? The "goodness" is my relationship with Antonio Rodriguez, being open to my brothers about me being gay, having a good relationship with my brothers, reconciling with my dad, and helping my mom understand about myself. However, it isn't always as good as I thought.

I just need sometime to think...I need to stop hating myself. I need help...

- Ivan.

(sushi)

Delicious!

They are getting close...

We knew this day would come. Our relationship is beginning to unfold to everyone. What is now a secret is now going to be revealed to the world. This could be the biggest thing in our relationship to happen. My mother is on my trail, my father concerned. Tony's mother is comfortable with me, but she doesn't know about our little "secret". Hopefully, her outcome would be rewarding. I hope that she can be happy for both of us. It can greatly aid us on our journey to get married.

Best of luck for both of us.

- Hurricane[5]

The Good Things In Life

I have some good stuff to share today. One, I have a new laptop. Really great laptop to play games and also enough power to multi-task and other fun stuff. Somehow, I felt like I belonged in the whole Starbucks Java Internet era for some strange reason. So, this whole entire week I am in Spring Break. I have completely nothing to do. I can play all day and not care for the world, but there some things outside from the roof that I need to do. I feel like being with my love. Somehow, I've wasted days not seeing him. He has school this entire week, so I am trying to find the gaps to have time with him. Man, I hate these kind of situation.

We been thinking of taking photos on the photo booth. Something every couple might have done during their relationships. Antonio often complains that he doesn't have a picture of me to remember me by. I have one of him in my wallet, and I often stare and kiss it just like it if was him in person. Tomorrow, Antonio and I are going to Universal City to use those expensive photo booths in order to finally get some set of pictures. Now these wouldn't be uploaded on the Internet, because it's a damn secret to our loved ones. But, something that we both can share internally.

I'm pretty bored right now. Right now, I'm watching Crash for like the 6th time in my entire life. Really powerful movie, I often joke around with lines from that movie. People would automatically recognize the lines at an instant. I would just laugh and be silly. Expect me to be posting some more blogs as interesting things in my life will happen later on. I think we might post alot especially about tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get up really early to see my baby. Please let my laziness go away, just this day...

-Hurricane[5]

Discovery

I've discovered something of myself yesterday with Antonio. Besides the day was about my friends who I rarely see these days. In the city of Santa Monica, my boyfriend and I had an altercation with insults. I had a raspy voice due to sickness, and Antonio was making fun of my voice. It became somewhat his way of getting back at me when I insulted his brothers, predicting that they might grow up to be gay. It was a perfect night that day, and he did something that ticked me off. We started walking but not side-by-side, down a gloomy parking lot where lights shine only the gloomiest eyes. We were headed to my dad's work, which was under the industrial section of Santa Monica. I've noticed that when I was walking, Antonio was nowhere to be seen. Walking down the street, I'd remember what I did that made him feel bad. I somewhat became a hypocrite when I told him to stop. I picked up my phone, dialed his number. He answered, told him where he was:

"I'm going to bus it!", he replied.
"Tony, please...I'm sorry. Please come back. Please, please, please..."
"No, no, it's okay!"
"Please Tony!....I'm sorry". I started sobbing.
"Please"

Out on the distance, I saw Antonio approaching, illuminated by approaching cars shining their headlights.
I pulled my head down, wiping the tears in my eyes. I lost myself with emotion.

"Ivan, are you okay?!"
He grabbed me, held me in his arms as I cried on his shoulder.

"Oh Ivan, I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I don't understand why I'm like this. This is not who I am!"
"I know your not"
"Please don't cry. I hate to see you like this".

As we remained silent, cars kept coming by. We hold each other, letting go of the sorrow that we put ourselves into.

I looked at his face, his expression of sadness appeared in his face. Wiping the tears of my eyes, I knew that this altercation hurts the both of us. We both knew that this could end our relationship if we don't stop insulting each other.

"I want this to stop. I don't want this anymore, Tony!".
"I don't want to be like my dad..."
"I know you don't.
"I don't want to be like this"
"I don't want to be like this either..."

We need to move on walking as we almost approach my dad's work. He told me something that really hurt me inside.

"When my dad was about to leave, he told me ' You need to watch out for Jonathan (his brother) because he's going to be gay'".
"Really?!!..." I broke into tears. "I'm sorry!!"
"No Ivan, don't be sorry. You didn't know that. I should have told you before."
"Oh Tony, I'm sorry!"

I've soon realized how much of a "monster" I become, especially to the person I love. We told each other that we would never do this again. He warned me that the next time he does this, I would inform him. This relationship shouldn't end now, and we talked about this when we were waiting in my dad's van while he was finishing work. I've soon realized something about myself, and I became something that I knew for sure that I'm not. Antonio felt the same way too, and we are doing something together to help ourselves from happening again...

Antonio, I'm sorry and I will always love you forever.

Thank you.

Hurricane[5]

Reinnovation

So its been days since I've done a new blog. One reason was that my entire room was being painted and all my stuff pretty much covered in dust. It took us two days to get everything straighten out and we were able to move the bed and also the desk with my computer along.

So my sister's birthday party is this Saturday. It's going to be huge and my parents have been planning it for the last few weeks. What I know so far is that we are going to have food catered by El Pollo Loco. Which means that we are going to have a ton of rice, a ton of beans, a ton of chicken. So, I'm going to prepare and dive in with all the food. Expect me to become large and in charge. Well, it's also a great opportunity for my boyfriend to come along and join the fun. However, he has work that day, and I feel really sad that he might not be going to the party. We hardly have any parties where I can invite my friends over, and this is one of those parties that I could use the time for. I'm going to invite my cool friends, some of them might work, others are probably bored as hell and have nothing to do. I think Eduardo might know, just kidding. There is some speculation that we might have a jumper to make the party more superior. I'm thinking we are going for the classic Barney jumper that one of my uncles still have. That Barney balloon has gone over so much abuse during my youth. You can tell it's been in so many abuse because of all the tape coverings and excessive air it releases. Also, the machine that came with it is all dysfunctional, and it would spontaneously shut off. It would make everyone run quickly to the front, steping on people, crawling like ants running away from water. I find it funny and accelerating, but also very dangerous as well. It's great when it's both dangerous and funny at the same time. Kind of like a Jackass stunt, but completely random and unplanned.

So I might be getting my paycheck on Thursday. It's probably won't be a lot of money that I would receive, but it's going to cover everything that I need to owe back. For example, I need to pay back for the EZ bus pass, food for myself, late fees from the library for those Smashing Pumpkins singles, and I need to buy a gift. That's pretty much it...

Hurricane[5]

What a day...

You know, by now I should be driving on the streets and probably taking my friends on a cruise through the town and have some fun. But, I'm stuck here in my room, typing this blog in order to satisfy myself for entertainment. Oh boy! Anyway, I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to take a driver's license test. So far, you're suppose to miss six or fewer questions in order to pass the test. But, I missed ten actually. This is my first try of the test, and I only have two more tries in order to get my license. The only part I'm afraid of is getting behind the wheel and driving within the streets among experienced drivers. I feel a bit intimidated because I have this fear of getting into an accident, or I would do a mistake that could effect everyone on the road. I hate the feeling of everyone depending on you, and something I cannot overcome.

So I'm afraid of driving. Most teenagers would kill just to drive on the road. That's when you know, you got some big ass truck ramming you on the side. Here comes to the horrible post-traumatic syndrome. But that's just me, hopefully I would overcome this.

I received another check from my school. Hopefully, I could buy a kick-ass laptop, probably manufactured by Alienware. Just a laptop with hardware that could last me a long time, and still wouldn't be obsolete the following years. But, if I can't afford one, I can probably go cheaper and maybe be able to get the same thing but in a cheaper price.

Just three more days until I go back to school. Monday is the first day of school and work, so two events I'm anticipating. Hooray!

I miss my Antonio.

Hurricane[5]

Okay...something's up.

Okay...this is weird.

I have a friend who I don't want to disclose his name. I would just call him "John". John and I been friends since senior year of high school. So, our friendship hasn't lasted for long. I think it was months later after high school graduation that I came out to him. He's a great friend because he didn't care that I was gay, and we were still friends because of that. But, I'm having this sense of avoidance from him. It's a rare thing to see or talk to my him because he spends numerous hours just working. Working at my old job and then it just getting money just so he can buy a car for himself. But, me and my other friends have tried some way around to hang out with John. But, the plan seems to be pretty mediocre because it's kind of bad that we are hanging out at late hours and we wouldn't be doing much. Plus, John's work is at the promenade. I think everyone knows that the Santa Monica promenade is one boring place, but you got those street performers doing their daily skits.

It was that one moment that I've noticed avoidance. One time, I send him a comment on his MySpace profile. I've told him if me and him want to hang out at his house or somewhere. I've send him this comment when he was online at the time. I was waiting for a response. The next day has past and still no respond. But, when I came back to his profile, I've noticed my comment I've sent last night has been deleted. This impacted me alot. Deleting comments usually sends messages to people psychologically, but I knew for sure that something is up. Could he be homophobic? Is he just avoiding me because he thinks I might do something perverted? I think it's common among some men who have gay friends would be a little scared. He probably thinks I'm a changed man, already acting flamboyant (which I'm not, thank God!).

Well, whatever it is. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. I guess if he just doesn't understand who I am, then I guess we are not friends then and I don't want to jump to that conclusion.

Hurricane[5]

Late Night Posting

Hi Everyone!

I'm just refreshing myself with all this blog stuff. I realized that people these days are blogging about the news and stuff that other people would anticipate on. I haven't blogged in a long time, because of the limited time I have. Well, I'm still on my winter break, and I do have one more week to relax before I start my Spring semester at Cal State Long Beach. Wow, I realized I haven't update this blog in a while. Let me insight you on some stuff.

I am a gay man. Yes, I said it. I am a homosexual. I like guys, okay...nothing wrong with that except those bible worshipers. They will never get me in a bible study session.

Anyway, I do have a significant other. His name is Antonio Rodriguez, and he's the best. I love him so much, he's a great guy who is always insightful and always willing to help me out alot. I show him the deepest gratitude, and I usually tell him my inner secrets that I would never share to rest with everyone. He's someone I could relate to, because I don't have anyone else to talk about problems with my sexual orientation. The whole world is completely set upon a heterosexual viewpoint, and it's normal for a male and female to kiss in public and also is widely acceptive with parents. I however want to contradict that. I believe that by the time we have rights to marry and receive more legal rights, this whole taboo wouldn't be much of a taboo anyway.







This is my significant other by the way. Cute, isn't he?








So, it's horribly late here. The television is on, illuminating my entire room as my brother is sleeping peacefully on a pull-out mattress underneath my bed. God, that would be a perfect shot to take on my camera. Too bad my camera broke, the interface screen broke internally, so I can't see the preview when I take a shot from my camera. I do miss my camera, I miss taking random photos and always wonder which shot will go great on my MySpace page. I use Adobe Photoshop constantly, and I am also a big fan of it. I love editing them and making them look professional. I want to become a professional photographer, but I am not studying to become one. I am actually studying for Computer Science, but I figure photographer is somewhat my passion.

I actually have my own DeviantArt account. This website lets artists of different art criteria to share their expressive beauty and artistic vision to many different other artistic buffs. If you want to see, here's a link to my profile. I hope you enjoy my work... My DeviantArt page.

Thank you!

Hurricane[5]