Relax

I guess I did overreact. I mean, it's just a concert for some band that I don't even like. But...I miss out so much memories with my baby. I need to stop acting like this all the time because I'm never going to get everything I want in this life. Sometimes I tend to take advantage of the good life, but sometimes I harm other people's feelings in the process. I feel like a little kid that begs for everything and always pout, complain, and blames it on everyone. I have to stop...

I really hurt someone tonight. Someone that I love. He didn't do anything, but I went overboard today that made him felt really bad. I made him felt like the bad guy in this situation. Why did I act so stupid like that? Why do I always have to complain about everything? Why can't I just stop blaming on everyone, expecting a perfect resolution out of this?

I sometimes feel like I need to grow up and face reality. All these advantages in my life (Driving a car, getting a job, etc.) are passing me by like they don't seem important to me. I still feel like a kid trapped in a grown-ups body. I am so immature about things and people have trouble reasoning with me. I feel like the 9-year-old Ivan talking in my head, telling me how to feel and talk. Sometimes I wish I can just grab it and kill it.

Why?...something wrong with me. I always have too much expectations from everyone. I need to stop acting so stupid. This is not me. This is not me.

I guess I'm just jealous over people. The looks, the time they have, the money that they earn, the amount of friends, the time to be with friends, a perfect job, people's fitness, musical taste. I am not a perfect person, and I always hate myself for that. I've been hating myself this whole time that food was my getaway to pain. The food I ate was good, and that goodness is what is missing in my life. All that "goodness" is making me fat, and making me more miserable then I'm already am. I used to be a really thin child growing up. Once school progressed, the size of my waist and stomach grew too. I was to the point where I had a enormous stomach and had a case of an ulcer. It was a terrible ordeal, and I still remain the same for years in my life. I never realized how it feels to be thin. Something is missing in my life, the "goodness" in my life. What could go wrong? The "goodness" is my relationship with Antonio Rodriguez, being open to my brothers about me being gay, having a good relationship with my brothers, reconciling with my dad, and helping my mom understand about myself. However, it isn't always as good as I thought.

I just need sometime to think...I need to stop hating myself. I need help...

- Ivan.